I am out of a serious lymph node complication after taking medications for the last one year. I used to get random blackouts in stressful or joyful situations. Physically I was exhausted, lost my stamina, endurance and not much productive either. I fought that out with everybody's help & becoming physically resilient now. I moved up from walking 100mts to running 10kms a week
While I was getting out of that, emotional & mental me was not all right.
I will be very happy & super excited in one moment. Then down to clueless & sadness.
Grand ambitions & Clear execution path in one moment. Then down to fuzzy future & dead end.
Feeling guilty & Feeling shame at times.
I would feel like I couldn't even stand, breathe, don't know where it is paining but whole body will pain.
The tipping point is my UK trip - there was something quite not good when I boarded the plane. I couldn't sleep & felt disoriented. I was not excited as I used to be to visit a new country or about my new career challenge either. I just wanted to reach the hotel & take some rest. When I got inside & closed the door, I felt like a slap. I felt so sad & dark for no reason. I would occasionally gasp for air. Tears were coming for no reason. Roller coaster moods all the time.
The things got worse with every passing day. I can't sleep without tv on, not interested in moving around the city. I couldn't tolerate it so much, I went to see a doc. I was asked a lot of questions about how I feel & quite a lot of background on job, medical, relation, financial status etc. Then they declared it is "depression" after diagnosis.
Freak.. I was reading so many stories about depression including Aaron Swartz, Jody through Zite (I don't know why Zite recommended it to me, may it is too smart that I might need it). But in my case, I never felt suicidal (like others) but felt like life is a dead end many times. I am better off than others suffering from it due to my loved ones. Something inside me is giving me a whole reboot after going through all this.
Circumstances of life can have profound effect on us . Most of the time, those circumstances are created by the choices that we made. It includes health, relationship, financial, professional choices. You can be financially broke, love of your life ditched you, your multi year project got scrapped, or failed miserably in any of your initiatives - all will have effect & it is unavoidable to leave without a scar.
I am thankful that medical science is more advanced & lot of experiences nowadays to learn from in combating depression. But the first step in combating depression is admitting you have one to your loved ones. AR Rahman music, Redbull, friends talk, booze, motivational videos all compliment in recovery but only way is to get professional help & therapy.
I am just building mental resilience to not get into the red zone. I am more conscious of my purpose in life now. Finding the purpose (easily said than done) of life is the way to go if you don't have one. You can't do that in a day & need to persist.
The business of life is to move forward & with a purpose.